A blog about INTJ personality type – delivered by INTJs
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INTJ relationships and dating

INTJ Relationships Guide

By on June 16, 2016

Today we are going to sharpen our general knowledge on one of the greatest problems ever known for humanity – INTJ relationships.  Have you ever seen any other two words which sound so paradoxically when written together? Probably yes, you are INTJ after all. But you will all agree that INTJ relationships compared to normal human relationships are like your home kitchen compared to AREA 51. And I hope you have already explored your kitchen secrets in those years or my comparison won‘t make any sense at all.

1. INTJs in relationships as partners

Finding a partner for an INTJ is a little bit difficult. How difficult? Well, we could compare it to a process in which a horse decides of becoming an unicorn. Good news are that scientists recently discovered a so-called unicorn skull, and that means that some horses have succeeded! And that means INTJs can also succeed! On the other hand, this process probably took a couple of million years of evolution, and these horses must have had rhino fetishes.

Average human beings are usually trying to look for feelings or at least some charm when meeting potential partners, but INTJ, once again, uses a more scientific approach. When INTJ decides that the time has come to find a partner, first thing he does is starting to think of a rigorous list of requirements. Sometimes this list gets out of control with no living thing meeting these criteria, but INTJs are perfectionists and just say challenge accepted! Often it doesn’t end so well as planned. However, INTJs love their freedom, quiet and independence, and they will only start a relationship if they think that being together will be more satisfying than their alone time.

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1.2 How does INTJ usually behave in a relationship

1. INTJs are excellent listeners

When INTJs enter into a serious relationship, one of the most preferred things is to not only understand the person they admire but also learn almost every aspect of their emotional and psychical world. If INTJ is listening to someone else, he might hide deeper intentions than showing respect or exchanging opinions. INTJs collect information and try to reach their goal – to make their relationships as perfect as possible. As a partner, INTJ can appear as though–minded while demanding perfection from himself and his partner, so beloved one might find it tiring and even disturbing.

2. INTJs are loyal

The Rich inner emotional world can’t be revealed to everyone, and INTJs mostly find that process difficult. When he or she finds a person who is worth of their precious time, INTJ won’t hold an idea of cheating on his partner. Once INTJ is into a serious relationship, he will be fully open or just simply leave the relationship.

3. Lack of compliments

If INTJs told a compliment for their beloved one once, they would feel the need to repeat it later. If a compliment isn’t revoked, INTJs feel perfectly fine by not repeating it. However, a partner might interpret that silence as a lack of affection. It is even worse if a partner chooses to suffer silently instead of telling this for INTJ, who might not understand the root of a problem. INTJs live mostly in their heads, so they might not be interested in daily romance. INTJ chooses to show their closeness by being honest and fully devoted to his partners. INTJ gifts are just like compliments – rare, but usually highly creative.

4. Maintaining intellectual, creative conversations and discussions

INTJs seek in-depth and interesting conversations when creating a relationship with their partner. It is a basic need for INTJ to stimulate their intellectual world and share their complex ideas and various theories from different scientific fields. Intelligent  discussions might be even more important than some physical needs.

5. Asking for space and alone time

It is necessary for INTJ to recover from social interactions. INTJs do appreciate and feel loved and understood when they get their precious “being alone for a while” time. Then they can silently meditate, think about their complex theories inside their heads and manipulate various thoughts, which can be expressed creatively in various forms. Also, they feel happy and fully accepted if a partner listens to their innovative ideas and encourage them to bring things into action.

6. Ready to work on problems

If INTJ notices that their beloved one is facing some problems, they tend to prepare themselves to find the best solutions to solve them. It is also necessary for INTJ to know if there are any problems in a relationship with their partner. Knowing that something hurts an INTJ’s partner, it also hurt them. If INTJ truly loves, he or she will try to work things out as fast and productive as they can.

7. INTJs are difficult to read

INTJs find discussions about emotions as disorganized and not serious enough to talk about. They prefer to keep touchy–feely things behind the door and emotions are often not expressed in ways that other people do. That is why they look like robots with poker faces.

8. INTJs are independent

INTJ values independence and freedom while creating or expressing various thoughts or ideas. They feel appreciated and loved if a partner gives them enough time and freedom to work on few things on their own – what they most likely tend to do in their work field.

9. INTJs are the truth tellers

It might be difficult for INTJ partner to hear insensitive truth which he prefers to tell. As an INTJ tends to know the truth and lives in a world without “pink glasses”, it can be hard for other people to accept their straightforward approach. So if you do not want to hear the hurtful truth, do not question them at all.

10. INTJs don’t allow to be manipulated

INTJs don’t like games, especially romantic ones. They avoid “drama queens” as much as they can and other manipulative stuff is not allowed in their relationship. Once they feel pushed to do something they don’t want to, they might leave the relationship and don’t ever look back. Such games are a waste of time and partner should accept and understand that as well.

11. Handling conflicts calmly

Since INTJs hate drama, they prefer to keep relationships as stable as they can. Screaming, breaking dishes isn’t their way to solve conflicts. They tend to remain silent for a while, think about every conflict aspect alone and later discuss it with their partner. Peace and harmony is a thing which INTJ mostly want to keep in their relationship.

12. Spending time together but doing different things

It might sound weird, but INTJ don’t always need to stick in same activities with their partner. Being together is understood as being in the same place while doing different stuff, like reading INTJ books or playing computer games. That way of spending time is perfectly fine for INTJ, so they can easily recover from social situations and talk or stick into some activities with their beloved partner again.

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1.3 INTJ ending a relationship

INTJs are the people who rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. When INTJ thinks something is not working like planned, he tries to analyze the situation first and fix it with his methods. However, if relationship still causes much stress for an INTJ, the end is near… And the end may come in a variety of different ways. Some INTJs may choose to just say out of the blue: “I’m ending a relationship, because…”. Others may think that it would be more comfortable for them to makea plan. INTJs usually notice weak points of people and they just could strike these points few times and make you hate them. In that case, the partner would leave them himself.

2. INTJs in friendships

2.1 How to become INTJ friend?

Do you know what is the best name for a process of becoming an INTJ friend? That‘s right – natural selection. Most people are searching for a friend look for creating feeling bonds with them. But INTJs look for people who can manage to hold an intellectual conversation with them. Personally, intelligence is my main criteria I look for in people, and if they lack this quality, then my respect for them automatically goes down dramatically. You don‘t have to be a genius to become INTJ friend, but you must have something to offer, and we especially value knowledge. And if an INTJ doesn’t think he can learn something interesting or at least have a conversation with you, then ignore mode will be turned on.

2.2 How to keep a friendship with INTJ?

INTJs are difficult to get to know well, but some people somehow manage to become INTJ friends. Probably they are a little bit crazy for doing so because from now on they will be overloaded with sarcastic remarks. On the other hand, It is not hard to keep a friendship with an INTJ, because we are not demanding any attention at all. Just DO NOT:

  1. Do not call INTJ! Ever… INTJ hate answering phone calls and probably just won’t pick up. If it’s life or death matter, then message them first with your call purpose and ask if they can talk.
  2. Do not offer to spend time with an INTJ often. Definition of “often” – more than 1 hang out in the span of a couple of months.
  3. INTJ could be little insensible, so do not try to get any comfort, condolence, attention or other feeling stuff from an INTJ. If your dog just died, best answer from INTJ you could expect is “let me google how to condolence people”.
  4. Do not condemn INTJ ideas. Ideas are the biggest INTJ personal asset which cannot be damaged.
  5. Do not question INTJ expertise. INTJs know their knowledge weak points by themselves and do not force people to take their advice.
  6. Do not expose INTJ friend secrets to anybody else. It’s a no-brainer in any friendship, but if INTJ finds out that you didn’t bring his secret to the grave, then don’t be surprised when all your little dirty secrets also come to daylight… Even those you didn’t tell him about – the INTJ has probably figured that out by himself… Otherwise, if INTJ isn’t annoyed enough and decides you’re not worth his time for revenge – you will just simply vanish from INTJ’s life to such degree that you may just start questioning your own existence.
  7. Do not put an INTJ in awkward social situations. Awkward social situations includes situations where the INTJ is forced to communicate with strangers or get strangers attention by doing something or is around a lot of people in a crowded place.
  8. Do not ask simple things. INTJs are more than happy to help you with difficult problems solving, but asking what shirt fits you best or what is their favorite color just drives them mad.
  9. Do not interrupt INTJ talk. INTJs usually stay quiet and only say something when they think it’s important. If you interrupt them when they speak, they will just quit talking with you at all for not respecting them.
  10. Don’t try to manipulate an INTJ. INTJs are the puppeteersand you won’t like it how it ends for you.


3. INTJs as parents

INTJs are the most likely out of all MBTI personality types not to have children. INTJs have big difficulties for finding a partner and very often just spend their life alone. If finding a partner is not the case, then a rational approach will do the work. INTJs understand that having a child will change their life forever and that it’s big decision that needs a lot of thinking and calculations. INTJs will calculate funds needed to raise a kid and evaluate their financial capabilities for that. Then they will calculate if reduced freedom and saying farewell to quiet home are well worth it. And most of them will say NO.

INTJs with kids see them as long-term projects and will do all that is in their power to succeed. However, INTJs usually encounter many problems, when dealing with children emotions and try to use logic when only a few warm words are needed. Despite that, INTJs raise their kids to be independent and try teach them skills how to solve their problems. Their children will most likely grow up as great contributors to society, but without another parent with the feeling time, children might have a hard time developing their understanding of feelings and might even feel unloved.

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  • Setsuna Kiri

    About that having a kid part, I thought I’d have an ‘Just in case I die’ plan before having one.

    Take note: I used “a kid” and not “kids”

    • INTJ vision

      50+ year plans are never too long for us! However, 500+ years plan could be a little too challenging :).

  • CD

    I agree with the concepts expressed in the romantic section, but the first three points of the “DO NOT” list really stretches the generalization to a small niche of people. I thoroughly enjoy communicating and socializing with my close friends. I always answer my phone when a good friend calls. I just ignore everyone else.

    As for providing emotional support, I think the INTJ has outstanding potential to provide the rich depth of emotional resources necessary to help others through pain and grief–mainly because we are deeply thoughtful, emotional, and empathic creatures. Even if we do not understand how people are suffering from personal experience, we can use our intuition to synthesize an approximation and respond with word and action accordingly–often more appropriately than others because we tailor the response to the individual, not based upon ourselves.

    • INTJ vision

      Yah, if INTJs start to develop emotional intelligence, they can become quite good at emotional support. They can develop an ability to create 3rd person thinking scenarios in their head about how others feel. But in my opinion, this is trait that must be learned and wanted to be learn by INTJs – many are proud to be blunt at the feelings area.

      • Veritas

        Based on my own INTJ experience I agree with you, Mindaugas. I think if we treat emotional intelligence as a project to undertake with appropriate observation and analysis we can become quite good at it, BUT it isn’t a natural ability. We are very good at intuiting others’ emotions via the brain, not the heart…we don’t fully “feel” what the other person is feeling but we do “feel” it via our unparalleled Introverted Intuition. Having an INFJ partner I had an excellent motivation for learning this 🙂

  • Maria Cristina McDonald

    I really enjoy this site and articles, the only thing I take issue with enough to comment is #6 on the friendship list. In the rare case that someone gets close enough to know any secret of mine and divulges it, that person will simply be vanished from my life. I won’t even waste time exposing that person or getting even. Vanished to such degree that they may just question their own existence.

    • INTJ vision

      Good point, updated article.

      • Johannes Kwan

        I had a friend (well, ex-friend…) who did that to me, and I managed to get out of it. Cunningly, I made people believe me more than the other. It worked, and that guy lost more than one friend in a day. Seriously, I felt fiendish that time.

  • Joey Edgecombe

    Love this insight. Resonates so amusingly. We visit his main friend ‘often’… precisely once every two months, exactly as this article says!
    And as an INFJ taking my reluctant INTJ out to an ‘obligatory’ neighbourly meet-up last week, I responded to his grumbling with: “I didn’t create these social conventions we must occasionally adhere to…” He remains unconvinced there is any ‘must’ about it..:)
    Fortunately, I enjoy the quiet life too, so am very happy we chose not to have kids.
    Thank you for helping me understand him further.

  • Bianca Freismuth

    I agree that finding a partner is very difficult for me because I suck at talking to people and meeting new folks.
    I’m also very picky if it comes to making friends and potential partners.

    And as about the do-not list another point you could add:
    Do never ever ignore us when we are talking to someone. I despise being ignored when I want to say something.

  • Faith Pineda

    Having children was not something I wanted to do, they both came with many preventions in place, sigh, just my luck. However, now that they are here I did add them to the equation and they became part of the plan. Although, my poor children, as I understand myself more, I feel bad by subjecting them to the INTJ that I am. I get the you don’t love me all the time. Then I logically try to show them all the ways I do love them. I pay for everything they want, I would die for them, I fix everything for them, everything I do revolves around making sure they are taken care of, plan for their future, take care of all the small stuff. I have learned to say I love you everyday and programed myself to tell them something nice. However, I am always looking for that moment when they can start taking care of themselves and I’m back to being alone. The struggle is real.

    • casey sav

      Hi, I have 2 beautiful kids, I am female INTJ, I am not realizing and not knowing that I am INTJ, until just recently, accidentally driven by curiosity. I do have a struggle, I expect my kids understand what I am saying, I have high expectation eventhough not ambitiously pushing them into the edge and I treat them like little adult with sense of simple logic (lucky me, my partner understand and encouraging me to be more gentle, my partner are ESFJ) into my surprise they picking up bit by bit with their own speed. My only guilty is sometime I lost patient when they just being kids, I still digesting this INTJ by reading from trusted source. But watching my kids grow, It is like I watch myself into a mirror, which sometime put me into that smirk satisfied haha. I feel that I need to adapt about the fact I am, and putting it into good course. I do still need sometime alone, eventhough the kids and my partner are around, I’ll put my headset on and they understand that I don’t want to be disturb.

  • kaoriline

    #9: Do not interrupt INTJ talk. INTJs usually stay quiet and only say something when they think it’s important. If you interrupt them when they speak, they will just quit talking with you at all for not respecting them.

    ^^ on point. I rarely talk during social gatherings, and when i do, I often get cut off or they don’t get my point, so I just shut up and never talk for a while then walk out from their circle of discussion because I got annoyed and just drift to my inner world as I push away their topics and categorize it as worth less of my time.

  • Johannes Kwan

    Section 2.2 describes me perfectly. I hate answering phone calls from anonymous callers. And it is quite funny that I usually google quotes on how to even express my condolences to people whenever. I thought it was just me acting weird.