A blog about INTJ personality type – delivered by INTJs
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INTJ Female: The Unicorn Amongst The Humans

By on June 9, 2016

INTJ women are one of the most flexible and interesting characters of the MBTI personality types. Only ~0.8% of the human population are INTJ females, so they are also the rarest personality type. You’re unlikely to find an INTJ female, especially if they don’t want to be found, due to the INTJ preference for staying in quiet places where they can enjoy privacy and time alone. Let’s learn more about these INTJ women.

1. INTJ Girlhood

The female INTJ’s childhood might appear harsh and difficult. Despite a complete lack of interest in empathy or “girly” activities, it is at times necessary for the INTJ girl-child to pretend to be “normal” in order to please her parental authority figures.

In some ways, the INTJ girl-child appears more masculine than her non-INTJ counterparts. She isn’t interested in hugs or kisses or sharing feelings. It’s likely the INTJ girl will socialize (when necessary) with boys, where “touchy-feely” activities are less common.

The INTJ girl may experience bullying from other girls in her age range for not adhering to societal norms because her actions will appear to others more like those expected from a boy. This lack of acceptance from other females will likely encourage the INTJ girl to primarily, or even exclusively, befriend boys throughout her childhood. It might also lead to the beginnings of INTJ social anxiety.

Once the INTJ girl has started to realize that she functions differently than other children, the reason why fitting in is so difficult becomes more clear. This will result in either an adaptation for better “fitting in,” or (more likely) in isolation from other children.

Mothers of INTJ girls might not be fully satisfied with the complex character of their INTJ daughters. It is especially hard for an INTJ girl to meet the expectations of respected familial authority figures when those authorities are expecting her to act like other children do. This situation can be exacerbated by the presence of a sibling, particularly a female sibling who meets the “normal” criteria of being feminine and empathetic. The INTJ girl-child may compete with her sibling for her parents’ attention by becoming a perfectionist and arrogant.

2. Female INTJ Teen Years

Like their childhood counterparts, female INTJ teens do not often meet the expectations of others. As a defense, the female INTJ teen becomes an expert at hiding her intense and complex emotions, choosing instead to be viewed as “cold-hearted” and unempathetic.

Many INTJ females will become competitive in their teenage years. The way in which this competitiveness shows itself will differ from one INTJ female to another, though academic superiority is almost universal. This can highlight the elevated self-regard and arrogance characteristic of the INTJ.

Like their childhood counterparts, female INTJ teens do not often meet the expectations of others. As a defense, the female INTJ teen becomes an expert at hiding her intense and complex emotions, choosing instead to be viewed as “cold-hearted” and unempathetic.

Many INTJ females will become competitive in their teenage years. The way in which this competitiveness shows itself will differ from one INTJ female to another, though academic superiority is almost universal. This can highlight the elevated self-regard and arrogance characteristic of the INTJ.

INTJ girls are often disinterested in appearing like other girls and do not usually feel obligated to adhere to gender-specific standards. That complicates interactions between the INTJ teen and her non-INTJ counterparts. As a result, it can be difficult to find peers with whom she shares enough common interests to found a deep or lasting relationship on.

A female INTJ teen’s capacity for handling difficulties like this largely depends on the depth of character and self-respect cultivated earlier in life, during the childhood years. If an INTJ girl is self-confident enough, she will make lifetime goals and plan for success. Others may not deal with the lack of support as well, losing themselves in anxiety or even depression.

Struggles with low self-worth or self-respect can both lead to and be caused by the perfectionist habit of comparing oneself to others and to impossible, internalized standards. This can deepen anxiety in social situations, making it increasingly difficult to relax. Pressure to meet social expectations can drive the female INTJ to take refuge inside her own mind in order to avoid external judgment.

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3. What it’s like, being an INTJ woman?

Here are few stories from our readers:

Also, you can learn more about INTJ women in this video from our reader, Misanthropic INTJ Vegan.

4. Relationships for the Female INTJ

INTJ women hate being stereotyped into mundane gender roles. When seeking a fulfilling relationship, an INTJ woman will look for a person with whom she can create an equivalent partnership, where both partners invest in one another and help each other to reach their life goals.

Anyone trying to form a close relationship with an INTJ woman will have to pass the formidable mental/emotional defenses that she has erected to cope with being misunderstood. Due to this desire for understanding, the first item on the “preferred trait” list is almost never physical. Interactions with a potential partner are unlikely to include flirting or physical touch, as INTJ women believe intimate relationships should be founded on intellectual and emotional compatibility and acceptance.

INTJ women love challenges, so will always seek an intellectually gifted partner (though it’s worth noting that the chosen partner isn’t always intelligent in the same way as their INTJ). In addition, they will avoid drama; this means that arguments based on emotions or logical fallacies will drive the INTJ woman away.

If a relationship doesn’t work, the INTJ woman will end it. INTJ women would rather be alone than in a nonfunctional relationship.

5. INTJ women in a workplace

INTJ women take their work seriously, approaching work situations with a professional mindset. INTJ females would rather be judged by their performance than their ability to “play nice” with their co-workers because work is viewed as a business gathering rather than a social interaction. Any desired raises or promotions will be pursued openly, rather than using “womanly charm.”

Like their male counterparts, INTJ women tend to dislike authority. As a boss with a female INTJ employee, the best way to handle them is simply to not handle them. INTJs love independence and respect. Tasks that don’t make sense or that are counterproductive to the INTJ’s perceived position may be refused. If given the option, the INTJ woman will almost always work alone or in small, like-minded groups. Forcing the INTJ woman to work in a large group or giving her unimportant, repetitive tasks is a waste of the INTJ’s greatest strengths.

Getting into workplace social interactions is a challenge. INTJ women value expertise and skills over “team-building” activities and gossip. They also hate small talk and see it as a waste of time.

And INTJ woman’s confidence can be confused with arrogance, making her seem unapproachable. In addition, anything outside of reliable work skill or related expertise in other people is ignored in a work context. Every task must be completed perfectly, and they just don’t have time to create relationships or indulge in friendly communication with colleagues.

6. Other INTJ female traits

INTJ females enjoy dark humor. Dark or “dry” humor may appear insensitive to others, particularly coming from a female. The attraction of this humor is based primarily on wordplay and irony, rather than on any hurtful intent, so within the right context, an INTJ woman will be seen as “witty” rather than unfeeling.

Most INTJ women are uninterested in children. While other women find young children or babies “cute,” INTJ females generally regard children as loud, disruptive, and undesirable. Without motivation to follow the expected standard of getting married and having children, the INTJ woman may choose to take in cats, dogs, or other (better behaved) pets instead.

Reading books is a primary interest. INTJ females like to prepare themselves for intellectually challenging discussions, or simply learn something new. If you’re thinking about giving a gift to an INTJ woman, consider a gift card to a bookstore.

People think they are sad/upset. In general, this is untrue. The INTJ female is accustomed to hiding her emotions, which results in the INTJ Death stare as her resting expression. (Don’t take it personally. Her thoughts are more interesting than what most people say – it’s not just you.)

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Grammar and punctuation errors eviscerated by Elle Taylor

  • Natalie

    Timely read! Was beginning to feel like I dropped out of the sky. Why am I so different? Why aren’t others like me? (Of course I don’t ask why I’m not like others, lol, typical INTJ). Why do I seem to want different things? Why do I feel so…alien???
    We are unicorns alright.

    • INTJ vision

      We hope that we have answered some of your questions!

  • Cole Chavis

    I am perfectly content with being an INTJ but I do wish the rest of the world would not feel it necessary to try to put us in a box. This is very accurate and I concur with the assessment. I always referred to myself as a “girly tomboy” because when I was younger I didn’t know to call it INTJ awesomeness. Now, I know and embrace it. And read a lot instead of going out to continue to not fit in.

    • Zabrina Janda

      Right!! I know I’m super feminine and girly but I’d rather hit up a museum after I put my boobs in a push up bra lol.

      • Cole Chavis

        This made me laugh because I totally get it on a deeper level. You’ve got a “soul sister” lol

    • Tina Buttaro

      Love it ladies! I am the stereotypical plain Tomboy. My idea of dressing up to give a scientific seminar is black jeans (must have my pockets) and jacket. I definitely learned to be happy being quirky and not fitting in at a young age – thanks Mom! I have been lucky to meet some special people along the way, I have a job I love and a great husband, who is a bit quirky himself lol.

  • Anna

    When I was a child, I really didn’t understand other people and the way they behaved. It was like a movie, I observed, but couldn’t take part of it. (Sometimes I still don’t, but don’t care.) I am really lucky with my parents though, they always accepted who I am, and my mum was easily convinced that I need toy cars as birthday present, instead of dolls, and books, instead of pretty dresses.

  • Amanita Pantherina

    The final paragraph in the “INTJ female relationships” section appears twice.

    I’d rewrite the second sentence of “INTJ women take a fairly professional approach when it comes to their work. They just want to tackle intellectually interesting work challenges and compete with the male co-workers.” as:

    “They just want to tackle intellectually interesting work challenges and compete on equal terms with their male co-workers.”

    The way it is makes it sound like competing with male coworkers is one of two main professional goals for INTJ women, whereas most of us would rather just focus on our interesting work challenges, rather than the BS that comes along with competition in the workplace. However, given that there *is* generally implicit if not explicit competition in the workplace, we DEFINITELY want to be on equal footing with the guys and not judged on crap like whether people find us intimidating or “nice” enough.

  • Lama III

    you forget to mention that we are very smart D:

    regarding that we tend to spend much time with males rather than females ..
    I learnt in this universe that males are a very aggressive creatures .. if you want to deal well with them .. you have to be just like them .. there are no exception at all , unlike females ..
    but on the other hand, they are better if they were smart and tend to be more intellectual .. unlike female .. sometimes can’t stand The absurdity of most of them , and you can’t find a common useful topic with them

    I liked your article ..

  • shutupandknit

    my biggest pet peeve is my family thinking I’m depressed. I am a happy loner INTJ female. It turns out that one confidant is all I need in life and I get plenty of social stimulii at work.

    I have a craft room that haunts me, writing and building models that keeps me very occupied and mentally stimulated.

    • Lama III

      my family always believed that I am depressed and I really was !

      but I used to denying the truth .. and secretly I planned to suicide .. but I did not know when I will do it ..

      now I am taking Vitamin D .. and I feel surprisingly better of ..

      because i like to work at night .. actually I live in the night .. and I do
      not leave my home too much .. so I rarely take Vitamin D from the sun which I
      need .. so I advice you if you are like me to take Vitamin D

      However .. INTJs may be more prone to depression than other types. In a study
      by Otis & Louks, INTJs were much more likely to suffer from major depression.

      • shutupandknit

        Almost every website I come across says another MBTI type is more prone to suicide or depression. So that’s unreliable. MBTI truly lacks any real scientific measurability. I have never even seen an actual study or protocol administering the MBTI test and drilling down into these traits. Further no one even digs into the “why” and “how” of the traits are formed by individuals in these groups. It’s neither a DSM tool/tests or encountered on the ICD’s. I’ve rarely to never seen credentialed mental health experts delve into it. Most information is crowd sourced by those in the trait groups. It’s like mental fan fiction. It’s only relevance is seeing how others in these groups interact with life, a kind of support group or sounding board. But at times I’ve seen these groups sound more like echo chambers. Also most of the people who write about MBTI are bloggers, who never quote/cite or even get confirmation from mental health sources. It’s mental farts and requires from other equally non-qualified individuals. So it should be considered sparingly and treat it more as social group.

        Vitamins A and D are found in milk. Have more milk. Perhaps you also have a poor diet.

        I don’t have depression because I have a happy fulfilling job, I have hobbies (I have a craft room), I have interests, I go for bike rides (riding a bike at night is fantastic, also riding it for all or part of commute is good for releasing exercise related hormones like endorphins), I enjoy being with my own company, I enjoy reading. I have a lot of stuff on my cloud account because much of my hobbies is created electronic content and research. I make sure to go out on a regular basis, even if it’s to walk to the park and sit on a park bench. I travel alone around the world, but I like talking with the locals trying local food, just walking about. Even when I got my passport stolen I was calm and had kind of a game of it to outsmart the agents at the foreign ministry getting my new visa in my new passport, in an Islamic country where Make relatives interface in public for them. They were quite nice and took me seriously, in fact made some short cuts to reduce inconvenience.

        I keep my night owl tendencies to weekends, and get to sleep by 1am during work week, because my job is day time. I also try to keep my negative traits in check or find work that utilizes those traits so that it doesn’t become overwhelming or a mental block.

        Most of all, I don’t feel as if I’m missing out, I don’t get envious, I don’t get jealous, I don’t have thoughts of ending my life. I also have never consumed alcohol or used drugs. I have a best friend, who keeps me in check from my tendency to be too happy with my own company. When I’ve had perplexing life events, I went to see a therapist. Period.

        • Nann

          Lovely post. Especially the part about lonesome hobbies and hidden creative ventures. People will never know you have it in you unless they step in.
          You are right, 1 or 2 people who REALLY see the INNER you are more than enough to create that emotional connection to the external world. That’s often all that is needed! 🙂

  • shutupandknit

    I think the .5% number is for Kiersey scale, not the traditional MBTI scale.

    • Lama III

      ok .. what is the percentage of the traditional MBTI scale ?

      • shutupandknit


        Keirsey’s model has a premise there are actually less INTJ’s. Then there are other groups like Socionics, which gets even more varied.

        So getting hung up on “rareness” is about silly. Both the INTJ and INFJ categories appear to be full of seriously dysfunctional people with an overwhelming amount of early childhood trauma or seriously life impacting events. But without real study in a scientific protocol, starting with administering a standard cognitive dichotomy test, then getting profiles of those test subjects and analyzing data of their mental health and childhood development histories this all remains crowd sourced pseudo-science.

        • Lama III

          2-3%.. for both males and females !

          but ( .5% ) is only for females

          in some statistics ( .8% )

          how much of INTJ females you have met in your whole life !

          they are really rare comparing to other types ..

          • shutupandknit

            The percentages I was looking at were higher overall for INTJ at around, with female at 2-3% of overall population. This particular source actually sited some organization that tracked the occurrence of the trait groups in the population. It tied INTJ female with INTP in “rareness”. Most other sources usually say INTJ and ENTJ females are the least common, or INTJ alone. INFJ males were still the least common.

            I will have to see if I can find that source and post it. It initially struck me because it was the first time in the eight months that I’d been looking at this stuff that someone sounded halfway reliable by showing a source of measure.

            I work in technology, so I’d say it is most likely most females I know are INTJ. I have one known INTJ female coworker, we are quite similar.

          • shutupandknit

            CAPT.org. It was created and run by Isabel Briggs (the Briggs of MBTI) and clinical psychologist Mary H. McCaulley, Ph.D.

            However I can’t say who is responsible at CAPT for the type percentage results. But it seems to be from the site that tracks and has much more actual concrete work with psychology and personality trait work. But still it’s too heavily weighted toward the happy slightly delusional side of the traits, without acknowledging the downfall/negative traits and find the root cause then mitigate them. As that would require clinical work, which almost no MBTI “enthusiast” or “practitioner” is qualified to do, as so far I have yet to see a clinically licensed therapist owning any of these MBTI blogs. At best most MBTI sites are for enthusiasts or people who get themselves certified to administer tests but no therapeutic licensure or even credentials of any sort. In fact I’ve never seen any of these people lost their educational background with institutions who run these sites. Whereas a reputable therapist is listed on medical and mental health sites, prominently displays their license number, their accreditation, their educational background and professional endorsements.

            Here’s the snippet from the blog “INTJ’s.org” that posted it, the original blog was comparing INTP and INTJ’s:

            “First, both are rare types. INTJs seem to be rarer than INTPs by a small percentage. Capt.org has INTJs in the general population at 2-4%, while INTPs are listed at about 3-5%. The female percentages are tied at 1-3% (other stats show INTJ females to be the most rare type), and the male INTPs (4-7%) are more common than male INTJs (2-6%).”

    • INTJ vision

      We will never know true percentages. It’s believed, that INTJ women are x3-x4 rarer than the INTJ men and overall INTJs take up to 2-3% population.

  • Aline Garcez

    The perfect description of my life … the text perfectly describes all features and difficulties experienced by intj women … Congratulations.

    • INTJ vision

      Thank you!

  • INTJ vision


  • Hurapiti Tsïtsïki Hernández

    I just found out, this is who I am. Which makes so much sense. Thank you! Solitary by choice, and I love it. I’ve read other findings on this rare personality type and even before I came across this article, I thought to myself..”Holy crap, I’m a fucken Unicorn!”

  • Jo A Sharp

    great to read this 🙂 My two kids have aspergers and I often wonder whether I have aspergers or an intj personality

  • Deuishinki

    Just wanna say that as an INTJ woman I find babies are cute. And at some point in my life I built up a defense mechanism that was the opposite of me and from that time I became easily touchy with people. I don’t open up about my emotions, still.. but I can listen to other’s emotions properly now. Or maybe I’ve been a hyper sensitive since I was a kid.

    The hard thing is, to understand my own emotions. I still need time to understand what kind of emotion that I’m having that it affects me to be grumpy or sad or anything.

    • JT

      I found babies and children incredibly irritating, if not downright frightening at one time…
      Since I had one, however, I have more patience with them in general. Maybe biological selfishness overrides other personality traits– or the sleep deprivation made me soft in the head. He’s probably an INTJ himself, so this makes things a little easier. I can give him the empathy I never received.

  • Beth

    I wonder how much of the experiences described in this article is applicable to either INTJ or INTP females. I’m INTP and could relate deeply to almost all of it. I don’t see the judging/perceiving trait as changing anything described here.

  • Zabrina Janda

    This is scary accurate and made me smirk especially hating tedious work. I’ve always figured out a way to delegate or automate those tasks so I could concentrate on things I loved doing!

  • Marielle

    You have almost perfectly described my life as an INTJ woman. Nearly brought me to tears. Points I didnt relate with: I love (most) children. I am very emotionally intelligent (possibly because I have always been highly observant of others) and am apt with attracting most men (when I feel like it and because I learned how to interact. It had never been easy until learning certain behavioral methods). Thank you for the wonderful article.

    • Syla

      Oh please tell me about these methods ;D I’m full of emotions. All my life I’m waiting for true love… Sadly I have never had any real, worth to mention relation with man. I’m aware that most of strange people see me as a cold, serious and distant person, but it’s only a mask. I don’t like to pretend or act but maybe sometimes I should try 😉

      • Nann

        Fairly simple: notice the men around you, analyse them, choose one and throw a bit of what you know about him to test the waters/your theory of him, and let him play the hunter.
        It’s all about saying/conveying that you have noticed something about them (they seem interesting to you) and allow them plenty of space/time to come closer to inspect you (while you inspect them too).
        If you really have genuine connections, then you have something solid to work from. If you don’t, at least you have learnt who does not match with you… 🙂

  • K. W.

    I will say I never played with boys as a kid, mostly because I didn’t play with anyone. I read a lot of books and they became my best friends, but I did learn how to “hide” after being bullied so much. Much of this article is about the girls who never “hid” their personalities, like I ended up doing in order to stop being picked on and condescended to. I wore more normative clothes (after dressing in the boys section in childhood). I studied emotions and social constructs and came up with several responses to social situations in which I was expected to “like” things (e.g. “dreaded smalltalk” which I still hate, but know how to make to slip by). I learned to hide my deep disdain for people and make surface level friendships, and still reserved some places for the True Chosen Few who knew how deeply sarcastic and uninterested I am (to this day).
    Romance fell into the same category: surface level and unchallenging, quickly discarded, and not usually started up willingly by me. I will say that I do actually like kids, and hope to have them one day, but not for ‘nurturing’ reasons. I would hope that I could adopt/have a child who I would let be its total and true self, without feeling like s/he had to hide his/her personality and interests. Also, professionally I don’t think we are competing with male coworkers. I rarely compete with anyone but myself. I’d rather be left alone to produce excellent work and not get involved with coworkers at all, especially in high powered, intellectual post-grad and doctorate careers.
    Finally, I think that many of us have a higher emotional EQ – not because we were born with it – but because we had to learn why we were different from a young age. I’m considered the best “advice giver” and “problem solver,” and can see other people’s emotional patterns and motives fairly well, even if my own are still a mystery.

  • This is a really good article and explains me perfectly, but there are many grammar errors. “Books reading”?? “and ain’t cute at all”? Really…

  • Bianca Freismuth

    All true expect the hanging out with boys part. I loathed boys in my
    childhood days and still have mainly female friends because I suck at
    getting into contact with men (hetero, tho). Also I’ve never been among the best
    students because of too much daydreaming and being rather lazy x)

  • Hajrah AK

    I was like.. nodding my head throughout the read.. but when It came to ”other female INTJ traits” I was actually laughing (laughing?) for how accurately it described me and I just felt like hugging whoever wrote this! SOMEONE GETS IT! FINALLY!! AH!!!
    For someone who was almost convinced she has an “abnormal behaviour” n she needs to change it..

  • Erin Reimer

    I agree with the basic childhood points however I had different ways of handling my difference other than hanging out with boys. Maybe because of the pressure I felt from my family to fit in and be a girl with friends. I would be the champion to the weaker kids that got picked on by bully’s and I would mimic the other girls to try to fit in (I felt like an alien trying to hide my true self.) I really struggled with depression, because I just couldn’t fit in being myself. My family really didn’t understand me and still don’t. I feel pressure to be in a relationship and start a family, but I love being alone. I’m conflicted between being seen as a failure by my family or being content being by myself. Dating is miserable for me, but it would be nice to have a companion on occasion. My ideal relationship is a large house with separate bedrooms and a nanny for the kids!

    • gabriela mihova

      I can really relate to your situation. But i really think that when it comes to important decisions regarding our personal lifes we should always consider our wishes first and then those of others. I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide 🙂

  • kel kel

    eh… this is the first article that I have really been able to relate with… you’re right and im everything this article says .. I completely relate to it… I just want to talk to people who make sense but they are hard to find… I have never seen an article that depicted me in the right manner as this one has… ty for getting it right at least… usually people are pretty stupid, that’s why I’m really shocked that you can describe how we really are

  • I never fit the INTJ humour profile. I can be dark and sarcastic, but mostly I like puns and word play. Or downright absurd and silly things. I’ve been told to try to be a professional comedian before. Only the most bland and joyless people don’t laugh at my jokes.

  • Liz

    I am an INTJ female. This is astoundingly accurate. I fall inline with the depressive aspect in teenage years. This opened up my mind to my own PTSD. Wow… amazing article

  • Yes……is this why I’m alone all the time? Even when I’m not? I’m actually a unicorn.

  • Anne Miller

    It made me laugh when I read about not liking babies. When I was very young I told my mother that I thought puppies were cuter than babies. She didn’t handle that too well. I still feel that way.

    • JT

      My mother was freaked out because I’d toss dolls against the wall, or out the window. Preferred stuffed animals.

    • ♚ Sonozaki Noriko ♚

      I told my mother puppies were cuter than my brother. She didn’t handle that well either.

    • Tina Buttaro

      Oh yes! We have 5 dogs and I have always told people I have a “mutated maternal gene”!

  • giłłiantღ

    the fact that its so rare is scary that just means im even more alone. plus im an aquarius so no one understands me and according the stars at least . not compatible with anyone . oh great haha.

  • Lilian Pessoa Ribeiro

    So true… best description ever

  • Nann

    INTJ-A woman here.

    I totally relate to the “friend with boys”, “prefer the company of men” aspects. Most precisely, I had mainly Extroverted boys as friends when I was young (ENTP, ENFP and ESFP they were, I guess) and now seek Introverted men as company (ISTP, ISFP, INFP ).

    I’ve grown myself up (literally), as parents were totally absent from my life from the age of 11, and it has made me tenaciously independent, determined and hardworking, if not over-ambitious throughout my 20s.
    Now (aged 31) that I have the financial/professional comforts (prime job, prime working conditions, prime living environment), I’m tackling the issue of partnership (I don’t use relationship because it is too confusing: my friends and family are relationships, my “life person/companion” is a partner) and I’m slowly getting there.

    I never had a conscious “list” for my search of partner, simply because I chose to remain open-minded and in tune with the people who would come around me. But it has been a tough ride with a lot of confusion, trials, losses, errors, mistakes, emotional disturbances… But anything that is meant to happen will do so naturally: people come and go, but I still can learn a lot from each of them.

    It’s good to know that the issue of “children” is not my own struggle exclusively.

    I find babies interesting, infants too noisy, children too needy and teenagers too stupid. However, what is putting me off becoming a mother is not only my lack of physical awareness (random Se, I guess), but mainly the realisation that I will never be able to express love in the “usual ways” if I have any child, and that he/she might end up damaged good for life.

    In the end, no matter how much I hate having to ‘rely’ on someone for my life plan, I understand that finding a most complimentary partner with solid emotional intelligence will be the key to my personal growth and having any child in the future. So, in a way, I finally found my dealbreaking criteria for life partnership.

    • amusedarmadillo

      intj-a here. I felt the same about having kids, never liked them, always felt awkward around them, decided it just wasn’t for me, I never thought I would make a good mum, I’m bad at showing affection, I’m not a hugger and I worried if I had kids they would grow up emotionally stunted …. I was wrong, my 3 kids are teenagers now, they are great and though they are not quite adults they seem more normal? than most. Raising kids is a puzzle to be solved like anything else and I think intj’s are extremely good at it, kids are the most challenging logic problem there is, all have to be treated differently to bring out the best in them, it is interesting and satisfying to shape these little people and we have the ability to step back and see the big picture concerning what they need and how to help them … the showing affection part, I made a conscious effort to be affectionate and cuddly with them from the start, I guess because this was the thing I was most worried they would miss out on/be affected by, after a very short time it becomes very natural (only with my own, I’m still rubbish with other children) and now 2/3 of mine are huggers (weird) ….. I hope it hasn’t sounded too cold describing it as a puzzle to be solved but that’s why I think we make the best parents, the same way we always analyze the best way to do something seems for me at least to have translated well to raising children, I too thought I needed a yin to my yang, a partner, an opposite to what I see as my intj faults … turns out I didn’t.

  • Galagonya Szirénke

    Almost true about me. The only difference that – sadly – I was bullied by boys till I was 19 years old and other “happy” memories by some men later too so they successfully killed every romantic feelings or thoughts I ever had… but who cares, I never dreamed about getting married or whatever else so no problem. I’m a proud, strong, free, loony Unicorn now! 🙂

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  • CMarieG

    Not going to lie, this just made sense of my whole life! Thank you! Now what to do….

  • Carolyn Zidich Flynn

    Wow. I have never felt so understood…

  • Della Vest

    Very descriptive of my early years! However, I have a bunch of kids I wanted very much! Yes, I have had to learn that they are unpredictable (even with operant conditioning and all, LOL) but that has been good for me. I have had to teach myself to say “I love you” to them, and also to observe and say nice things to them. They haven’t suffered at all. I find kids fascinating! I loved teaching them and watching them blossom into adults, and wouldn’t trade this experience for anything! (I didn’t like babies or kids when I was a teen, but I babysat a little boy and became fascinated with how he learned, so that made me want babies of my own!)

  • Athena Konicki

    Secretly proud to be uncommon.

    • Dondi Dix

      How about being openly proud of being uncommon? 😉

  • Christina Dominguez

    This is me to the tee

  • ♚ Sonozaki Noriko ♚

    I find children and babies cute, and it’s natural because they must be like that in able to get protection from others and survive.
    Although sometimes they can be annoying as hell and I have to refrain myself.

  • Dina N

    Hi. I’m an INTJ female. I’ve read this post and, for the most part, I agree. I do have a disagreement, however, in the aspect of children vs. pets. I prefer my children to pets. I believe that my children would have a better impact on our future and are therefore worth the time and energy invested in them as opposed to pets. I just don’t see the benefit of having pets. Pets require us to always be at their beck and call. With pets, we are not free to go places that children would be more easily accepted. Dinners, traveling, company parties etc. I hate cleaning up after pets, spending money on vet bills etc. when my kids were covered under my insurance. Most importantly, my kids are a great support system when pets just have a very short life span. My kids have given me the smartest, most awesome grandkids that I could…lol, never get from a pet. Pets just seem to me to be the most tremendous waste of time and space. They seem to be good for all of those extremely emotional people that, quite simply, make no sense to me

  • ♚ Sonozaki Noriko ♚

    The little me liked a lot of pink and princesses (which I now dislike), but she thought and acted differently, and felt like a boy most of the time. Sometimes, she even showed signs of a genius or talents, but constantly having problems in making friends (even until now).
    My dad once warned me about how I have the potentials to become a lesbian, and the concern stuck to me until I found about my type. Well done.

  • Maddy

    Perfect description of me other than the company of men. I prefer the company of myself. Luckily, the school I went to accepts a lot of people and I was accepted for the INTJ I am. I still only hung out in the corner or off to the side. I always knew my personality was extremely different from the rest of the world, I just didn’t know it was the rarest type, especially for women. It’s awesome to be an INTJ and I don’t care that the world thinks I’m weird for hating girly (and boyish) things.

  • Marnie

    i really can’t find children cute at all .. they disturb me . and yeah , i prefer dogs XD
    i had a turbulent childhood and i raised myself “intellectually” by my own . i trained myself to get rid of jealousy and comparison with others , arrogance , selfishness , greed and some other bad traits and my parents have 0 contribution teaching me these stuffs ..

    I’m very proud to be the person who I’m now . and very proud to be a lonely INTJ 🙂

  • kaoriline

    Reading the articles here and from the website of 16personality test, made me understand who i really am and why I am like this (had to take personality test at med school and some online, and always have the result as INTJ-T) , and made me realize something, and although there are some statements that are a bit disagreeable (I mean, I feel uncomfortable hanging out with boys alone. Felt weird when someone is courting me, and i actually tried dating once back in hs, didn’t went so well because his actions were red flags for me (even if some of my friends say it’s normal for them to do that), and he doesn’t get me at all, so i had to fake my way- from the smiles, laughs, actions- until i called it off during their graduation day because he was being so persistent that i find it annoying and irritating. Also some alumni friends of mine sexually harassed me, was all touchy feelly whenever we meet and used the excuse “because we were close back in hs, why not?”…. and they used me as their fantasies back in my freshman days in college (first time engaging sexting out of curiosity… the result really grossed me out and had me deleting their contacts and avoiding them at school and social media) hence now I have strict standards on who I would welcome within my safe bubble ((High standards rly.. but no matter, I never had much of a thought to get in a relationship or be married anyways)) )

    I do admit I’m not much sociable (I only have a small circle of friends-and they don’t even know each other… just people that I know and saw and got to know for a certain extensive amount of time beforehand that they are trustworthy and it’s not tiring to be with them)- which is why at college, I put up a facade as an approachable type of person, smiling and supportive to my blockmates. it’s actually draining but it works though, they open up to me easily (but that doesn’t mean I do bad things with said advantage… liek for future purposes their time can help me over something in school work) so I gotta keep up the image if i want to survive socially- especially when my mom keeps on nagging me to be more social because it supposedly helps in my academics… to be sociable… hmmph

  • Tina Buttaro

    I love this .. so accurate. I had to laugh when I got to the baby and children part. I have always said I have a “mutated maternal gene”. My INTJ quirk is that I have a great sense of humor and people comment on my happy demeanor (even the med students whom I torture with basic science). However, I still hate small talk and sneakily avoid it by talking about science experiments and education stuff .. and avoiding my neighbors. True to my INTJ self, I do still like my alone time in my university research lab experimenting to my heart’s content. Thanks to my mom, in grade school I learned to embrace my quirkiness. I have a great life, have met some wonderful people along the way, have a job I love (except for the administration 😛 ) and was lucky to find a quirky husband to share the adventure.

  • Charlotte

    Extremely accurate! I never fitted in, since I found out I am a INTJ everything makes much more sense.

  • petrius_stew

    the more I read about my personality type, the less I feel alone. I’m honestly glad for that.

    I’ve been afraid of my intrusive thoughts for decades. The ones where you hate other people, where you wish them in pain, where you feel isolated over small perceived sleights.

    I try to see the good in others, but I feel that I cannot connect after a while. People endlessly disappoint me, I expect better of them overall. I can only please myself to a certain extent it seems.

  • Eppie Bailey

    This is incredibly interesting! I am an INFJ now but this childhood and teenage years resemble mine exactly; with some contradictions. I loved dolls and loved children ( even as I plotted to destroy all humans :)). Perhaps I was an INTJ child but became less knowledge hungry and more ‘feely’ after I had children of my own. The time constraints and emotional demands that come with children might cause one to ‘adjust’, no?

  • KC

    My 2 daughters have told me for years that I am an INTJ and I’ve even taken the test to verify what they’ve claimed. Although many of the descriptions accurately describe me, I must say that what was written above is very different than my life. As a child I was considered perfect. I was definitely a perfectionist (which one of my sister’s has recently let me know was problematic) but all in all I was a girly-girl. However, I was not so girly that I avoided lizards and insects. I was very athletic but this did not prevent me from staying very fashionable, and even sewing my own clothing in high school. In jr. high I was the head cheerleader, very popular, very sensitive and very very kind. There was not a person that did not like me. I likewise was a big smiler (is that a word?)…I was always smiling, never had the stare that normally describes us. As I entered high school, my best friend quit hanging around me so she could become a cheerleader with the new girl on campus. That rejection was so confusing and yet I believe it fueled my independence. I was friendly with everyone but did not have a group of friends to call my own on campus. I eventually became friends with a boy at church who became my best friend. I found him so much easier to talk to than the petty girls I was used to. As high school came to an end, I made straight A’s and graduated as the class valedictorian.

    In college I pursued a degree in education with emphasis in mathematics and physical education. So I guess I fit the profile that claims we tend to be more scientific. Although I love math, I would have to say that neither left nor right brain rules me. I love creativity. I designed my new kitchen, sew curtains for my home, have impeccable design and fashion taste. All of this confuses me when I read about our personality. I absolutely am an INTJ yet I don’t “look” like one. My mind definitely is always thinking, sorting, looking at the big picture, attempting to UNDERSTAND relationships and life, and I’m definitely an extraverted thinker & EXTREMELY INTUITIVE. I have always been a big reader but not scientific reading. It has been more of self-help books and love stories! And I absolutely love kids, especially babies! If I could be pregnant constantly, I would! In fact, pregnancy calmed me instead of what we stereotypically think of a pregnant woman.

    I can say without a shadow of a doubt that people confuse me. Because my word, is my honor, I am always hurt by those who are simply dreaming out loud. I thought if someone said it, we were doing it. This is has probably been one of the biggest problems I’ve had relationally. I make plans and others break them which makes me feel insignificant, not to mention how hard I’ve worked to fit someone into my very busy schedule!!!

    So all in all, I’d love to know if there are any others out there similar to me. My goodness with us being in the rarest female personality type, could there possibly be another person who not only shares my personality but exhibits some of these other traits I’ve described above too?

    • Kela Harris

      I identify with some of what you said. I, too, am stylish and artistic. I was popular as a child and teenager, but almost reluctantly. I was a high performing academic, but I was also gifted musically and athletically. Due to abuse suffered at home, I wore a mask of sorts up through my early twenties. I also have a logical and scientific mind, that has been described as masculine, even by my partner. I want a child (maybe just one) to say that I have experienced a pregnancy and understand the sensation of having a child and being a mother (if that makes sense), but not necessarily because I possess nurturing or loving tendencies. I describe myself as a feminine, sexy, intellectual, with a little bit of a cold streak. I intimidate other women and intrigue men. You are not alone. The personalty markers we possess are not definite as female INTJ’s, because we are shaped by our environments and life experiences.

      • KC

        What a comfort to know I’m not alone…and you’re not alone! Thank you for your words. You sound like an amazing woman!

        • Kela Harris

          Thanks! You too!

    • Krooked Kate

      I just happened to stumble across your comment today, but I wanted to let you know that you’re definitely not alone! I’m a fellow female INTJ, and my life experiences are a lot more nuanced and varied than this type of article ever acknowledges.

      It’s worth noting right off the top that some of the folks in the comments are a bit off base –
      nothing about INTJs makes us more inclined to be “tomboys” than any other women.. Those traits actually do correlate with a different type that’s also extremely rare for women, though – ISTPs are the kind of people who love getting their hands dirty building stuff, working on cars, hiking and camping, etc. My mother is an ISTP, and she’s always had trouble making friends with other women for the very simple, practical reason that it’s almost impossible to find any who share her love of rebuilding classic car engines and building furniture!

      I’ve always been a very girly-girl, myself. I adore fashion. I’m a meticulous dresser, I have a great eye for color and design, and I love giving rooms in my home the occasional makeover. I’ve always really been into creative hobbies – photography, fiction writing, and digital composition have been such a big part of my life, I actually contemplated going to art school when I was younger! There’s actually an interesting explanation for this, though.. As INTJs, our least-developed mental function (which is the one we tap into as a form of self-indulgent escapism, or that “takes over” our thinking when we’ve stressed) is “extroverted sensing.” That’s just what it sounds like – anything involving your literal senses, like physical exertion and sex, cooking and gardening, or music and art.

      I’ve never had the bitterly antisocial traits INTJs are often accused of, either. I think part of this is just due to being a woman – our culture pretty much FORCES us to cultivate our latent social awareness and competence starting in childhood, and if we ever slip, people are right there to tell us we sound angry or look upset. Also, parental influence can be a huge factor with stuff like this. An INTJ with a “feeler” parent will develop nuanced empathy as a kid because it’s a practical necessity for them. In my case, my dad was an ENTJ, so he pushed me to join sports teams and figure out how to get along with other kids; he also implicitly taught me that when you’re out in the world, at school or work, you have to always have patience with people, pay close attention to how your words impact them, etc. I make friends quite easily as a result.

      But, like you (I suspect!), I’m still a deeply analytical person who relates to the world in a very detached, thoughtful way. My reaction to any proposed idea is to immediately look at it from all sides, trying to find any flaws or weaknesses – not to be rude, but because I instinctively want to solve those problems and make it better, better, better. Even now, I sometimes accidentally hurt the feelings of someone I care about, because I can’t change the fact that I process everything that way – and if I’m distracted or tired or lost in thought, sometimes I express my thoughts in a way that sounds mean-spirited, even if that’s not the case at all. That’s typical INTJ stuff; the rest is really just window dressing..

      • KC

        Krooked Kate: First I love your name!!! And thank you for answering. We sound very similar!!!! I bet we could be great friends!!! You hit on so many key points which brought me such peace to know that I’m not alone. I especially loved the part where you said, “I instinctively want to solve those problems and make it better, better, better.” That made me smile b/c that is exactly where my brain goes and like you, I find that it throws people off, especially ENFP’s who think I’m just being negative. Thank you again for your response.

  • Musyoka Kavata Agnes

    Perfect definition of me

  • aipsid

    Wow this is 99% my life. Although I did meet my best friend at work. She’s cool and dark as well also anti baby. We’re both just a couple of DINKs. Great write up!

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  • Elena

    I’m an intj female, and I do feel misunderstood by everyone. I feel like even my close friends don’t understand how I think or act at all, which really frustrates me. My family also calls me weird and my brother a freak, which doesn’t help because I can’t and wont change myself for anyone, ever. However, i do want to have kids when I’m older. I feel like no one has my exact interests and I can’t find anyone to relate to at all. I don’t really read books but I love music and art, and also I write from time to time. I do understand emotions, and I sometimes wish I could express myself more easily. Sometimes I even feel like I don’t really fit the INTJ personality type because of how it’s portrayed as very logical and how people are deemed perfectionists whereas I value the arts and creativity more than logic and I’m ok with not everything being perfect.

  • Krystal Armstrong

    I think you meant to say 0.08% in the first paragraph, not 0.8%.

  • Kela Harris

    I have never read something which so perfectly captures my complex and contradictory nature, even touching upon how I used to wear boy’s clothing and avoided interactions with girls as a child. Thank you.

  • Amber

    33 years, all of this. So much time I was told to consider myself cold or flawed in some way without understanding how that was logical.
    Thank you.

  • Kelli2011

    I wish that I fit in because life would seem so much easier, but I never have. The dark humor and the last line about the INTJ death stare made me laugh. I wish that I knew about the MBTI 30 years ago.

  • Nikki Moonitz-Volaski

    This really fits me. Wow.

  • Kat

    One thing that differs for me intensely is that I’ve rarely encountered bullying or been seen as an outcast. Throughout all my years I’ve been able to easily communicate with people, being sociable in all settings with many differing people.
    These days simply because I can, I stay alone with just my dog for company. Or go exploring without talking to or being with anyone.
    Curiosity has led me to read many articles about my fellow INTJ women, it always seems to be mentioned that we have difficulty in social interactions, personally though, it’s a case of “I can go out and have a highly social life, but why would I want to?”

  • Kita

    One word: Me.

  • disqus_kVqyWk6eX5

    You have just summed up my life in a few paragraphs… I’ve never felt so understood. Thank you so much for writing this post, Egle.